I Had A Breakdown

Not surprising for those who have known me for a while. Emotional doesn't encompass how I respond to life. Its more like emotional overload with a side of sensitivity and concern, and a shot of sarcastic humor to wash it all down.
Welcome to my warped little world.
I'm the one who likes to talk everything out. Divulge. Dig deep. I'm the one that crunches into the center of the Tootsie Pop without licking. That's how I chose to experience life. I'm okay with it for the most part.

I feel like most of the time what I write on here are just posts of general life updates. Pictures of our yard, our dog, and sometimes us, which is okay. But not necessary. There are no limits. I can get out of the box a little right?
Maybe.

If you have no interest in this rant, please, continue blog surfing. You won't be missing much, I promise.

I get a little afraid (and I hate being afraid of anything) to open my heart up on here, which is total hypocrisy because the people's blogs I love to read the most (and I will confess, I am a true blog-hopper) are those that are vulnerable, open, and share themselves honestly.

And, I have no problem opening my heart or emotions up to any poor friend or family member, or even some stranger on the corner of 4th and Church downtown, like I did this morning, who made the mistake of saying "Great day" to me, to which I responded "Oh, I know! Isn't it amazing! This is one of those days that makes you take a deep breath and say thanks. UH, I luh-ve it!".
I am that woman.
Heaven help me.

So about the breakdown.
I have the inability to be decisive on a lot of things. Not everything, just a lot. I cannot decide what to prioritize. So, to compromise, I try to do those 'lots' all at the same time.

For example, this is what Ben witnessed the other night :
Wife enters house.
Wife enters house not smiling.
Closes door, goes to bedroom. Changes into really unattractive sweats and a stained tshirt.
Wife comes out not smiling.
Goes thru the evening not smiling.
(Yeah, I can be a real joy to live with sometimes)
Goes to bed not smiling.
Then husband braves the dreaded question:
"Babe, what's wrong?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHUUHUUHUH-SNUFF. SNUFF. - WWWWWWWWWWAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ummmm...."


"I just can't do it. I can't do it. I am SO TIRED."

"What is it that you can't do exactly?"

" I can't keep up at work, do the blasted scrapbook that I spent fifty stupid dollars on, cook that new 2-hour long recipe I found, keep this dog-hair ridden house clean, get back into my running routine, write a journal entry like I use to every single day, find quiet time to study and spend with God, make time to watch So You Think You Can Dance, wrap my head around maybe starting a family, make all the plans I want to with friends, have a date night, have a girls night, go shopping to find the perfect outdoor mat and plant stand, figure out what in the world I want to do for your birthday, keep up with the laundry, and finish the 13.5 novels I have collected that I want to read.
I. Just. Can't. Do. It."

"Oh."


Yeah.
That was a restful night. So I said a prayer, which basically consisted of "Lord, what the HECK is wrong with me, and please let me get some sleep", and burrowed into the covers. You know, one of those nights where where your stupid brain just won't shut off. Good times.

So I woke up the next morning, went to work, and pretty much just blew off some steam mumbling to the only person in my car who would listen.

And it occurred to me that I was doing two things. I kept talking, not listening. And I kept trying to fix it, whatever 'it' is, instead of trying to let myself be fixed.
And I'm okay with saying I need fixing.

Because I am broken. And sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
Maybe that breakdown was God's way of shaking my shoulders and saying "Hey. Hey you. Yeah... we should chat."

So God and I are in the process of fixing some things.

First, we are in the process of fixing our relationship. We haven't spent as much quality time together as we need lately, so we are working on getting back to that. And I say we because I asked for His help. I know I can't do it alone. I need Him to be there, and so I have asked. And I know He will, because He tells us to ask. He wants to give us everything our heart desires.

Second, we are in the process of accepting. Accepting that some things can wait, and I don't have to lose sleep over the fact that a scrapbook isn't done (don't get the wrong idea, this is the second scrapbook i have ever attempted), or that there are dishes in the sink. Not everything has to be perfect.

Then we are prioritizing. When I have free time, I have a choice. Here is my mantra- choose one thing, and enjoy that one thing. Not think about the other 5 that I want to do too.
Not to say I can't enjoy moments, i just try to maximize them a little too much...

This is self talk here, so if you are still reading, welcome to the therapy session.

To wrap it all up, we are adding something.

This may seeminly be self-sabotoge, but hear me out.

Everything I have mentioned falls into the "get, get, get" category. Get it done. Get the book. Get what I want. Get it together.

The addition is a give. Give has been sorely lacking in my life, and I really do believe that giving is a much bigger joy than getting. Sounds corny and has been said a thousand times before, but really. It is.

So I am super excited that Sunday is my training at church to begin serving in the children's ministry. I cannot wait to start working with kids again.

So now I am praying for fixing the relationship, accepting peace, prioritizing my time, and being able to give kids the sweet love of Christ I have been given.

Oh, and if you are praying too, for that smile and that I will throw away the stained tshirt.


xoxo
dae